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Shoot-out

I shot three people today.

I’m sending their prints in the mail tomorrow.

I like to photograph my victims after they stop breathing.

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Flights are fun; usually for the first ten times. After that, you begin to dread all sorts of things that make you have a “safe and comfortable” journey.

I consider myself quite a seasoned flier. Unfortunately, not many airlines around share that opinion, which is quite sad really. I mostly fly with an airline which I truly believe is one of the world’s best budget carrier, and another airline, which is indeed the world’s best airline.  Since I use them quite often, I usually know what seats are good to take and what seats are best avoided. I even go to the extent of locating seats by the model of the flight that is being used. A website called seatguru.com is a good place to start, but I go way beyond the standard selection choices that seatguru offers.

When it comes to my travel, I have a lot of considerations. From basic ones like, which seat can give me the most legroom, to more advanced ones like which seat is more likely to be situated away from a crying baby, or which seat would be the best compromise between the closest to the exit and the best legroom.

Inevitably, whenever I board a flight, the seat next to me is unoccupied. Before I got married, I used to hope that some hot girl would come and take the seat. After I got married, I don’t discuss it publicly anymore.  I would be eagerly watching the boarding passengers,  waiting for someone nice babe to come and sit next to me. Eventually it would happen, with one slight but unfortunate difference, it would be a baby, not a babe.

What usually (and I mean almost everytime) happens is that the mother sits down next to me with a baby in her lap. No sooner would the baby see me, that it would start me off with a look .. oh that look! The look would happen in three parts –

1. The size-me-upper – It would look me from top to bottom and reach the foregone verdict – easy prey

2. The sarcastic snort of sadism – The baby would then let out a low deep chuckle-like sound which translated into our language means “You are so dead buster!”

3. Then it would ram its fist into one palm to reinforce said message above. I have included it as a part of the look, because normally it would do this in front of its face. More importantly, it would do it in front of mine.

Please note, that most girls who would sit next to such a baby would normally respond to the 3-step devil glance above by saying “Awww.. Chooo sweet”. This proves the eternal aphorism that men and women speak different languages.

The flight would take off. The baby is an remarkably astute player. A veteran of the art of torture. After making clear what it is capable of, it will lie peacefully and quietly. Once the flight is airborne, it will start to unleash its waves of fury. The first battle is called the Battle of Arm Rest.

The Battle of the Arm Rest

As soon as the baby sees me comfortably settling in my seat, it will control its mother (that’s right, you actually thought it was the other way around?) to place it on her lap horizontally so that its leg would be strategically positioned for the first strategic assault. The minute I rest my elbow on the arm rest between me and the mom, the baby would pretend to sleep and let out a well-timed judo kick that would set my hand flying away from the rest. As I would look at my bruised hand in shock, the baby would purr in its sleep, an angel to behold, the wicked smile giving it all away. There is no way to win the Battle of the Arm Rest, for any counter measure that you take will ensure that you get scornful looks from your fellow passengers and a pinch on your fatigued arm by the mom. It is best to lose this battle and sit with your arms tightly wrapped around your chest. Cursing your luck is highly recommended to pass time.

Round 2 – Fight!

For the second round, the baby plays dirty. There I am waiting for the drinks cart to roll-on by. “Would you like something to drink , Sir”. “Would you happen to have some bitten lemon?” “Of course, one bitter lemon for you .. and for you, Ma’am?”, she would ask the mother.

That’s it. She made a big mistake. She did not ask the baby what it wanted. And guess who has to pay the price. Not the blissfully unaware pilot, not the grievously sinning air hostess, not the clueless mom, the price has to be paid by ME!

Once the drink is placed in front of me in the glass, I would start searching the in-flight entertainment for something nice to watch. At that moment, the baby would wake up and start giggling, chortling and waving its hands about. Everyone, even the dastardly airhostess, would stop to smile at the baby, not for a second being able to fathom the grave sequence of events it was setting in motion.

Nobody like to stop a baby from being happy. The baby knows that. It would slowly keep up the prancing on its mom’s lap, waving its hands and feet, laughing so loud  and smiling so wide, that each one of its non-existent teeth would be visible. By now everyone in my row on either side is cheering the baby on.

And then out of nowhere, in a move that would have brought tears of joy to eyes of Mr. Miyagi, the baby would execute a brilliantly placed chop to the bottom of my food tray. It would do this after analyzing the center of gravity of the tray. As a spectator and soon to be deeply-involved participant, I would watch how the baby would demonstrate to me its deep understanding of the Butterfly Effect. One perfectly placed well-hidden chop under one corner of my food tray (a flutter of wings, if you will), would result in my drink being bounced off the other end of the tray and being emptied into my lap (a tsunami of sorts)

I would gasp as the bittersweet cold liquid would slowly seep into my special place. The baby will now reach the cresendo of its performance. No one would have noticed the deft and slight move. When the show is over, everyone looks at my pants and goes “Ewww!”.  I get up and have every one watch me in disgust, including the pretty air hostess I had my eye on. I reach the restroom, wipe my pants and scream in a voice that only I can hear.

Finish Him!

As I drudge back to my seat, everyone seems to have slept off, even the wicked baby. I slowly sit in my seat not wanting to wake the bundle of  ploy. I sink into my seat, the lights have been turned off, the cabin is quiet. I can feel my eyelids drooping. I don’t want to resist and sleep comes over me like a gentle blanket. I begin to dream of the pretty air hostess I had seen earlier. She would come up to my seat and say

“How has your flight been so far?”

“Good flight, but with you onboard it has been a flight of pure joy”

She blushes and smiles. She pushes her hair back, comes close to me and says

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

I wake up with a start. The baby has launched its final attack, the assault on the ear drums. Once I had been to a ear specialist, who had checked the range of hearing my ears had with a tuning fork. The baby took over where the doctor left off. Steadily, unrelentingly, it scream would climb the decibel scale.  It would start reaching octaves four times above what the most perfectly trained classical singer could manage. The sound had such a shrill ring to it, that you could hear  it drilling it your ear-drum. You could feel your ear-drum going to the brain and saying “Please! I can’t stand this torture! Do something, Oh Brainy One! Save me!” The brain after careful consideration would run and jump out of the nearby window.

The assault continued unabated. The baby was going for the kill this time and I could feel its voice entering every pore in my body, entering my blood-stream. The wail consumed me from inside out. My life flashed before my eyes. When this happened, I saw all the other babies who had done this to me before. I had survived, I am a survivor. You can take away my sleep, but you can’t take my right to fly! With that I grit my teeth, and held on the arm-rest tightly. In my mind, I was transforming into the Hulk. To someone walking down the aisle, I looked like someone with a severe case of constipation. Nevertheless, I fought back. I took the sound, made it a part of the background noise, merged it with the drone of the plane’s engines. The wail faded ever so slightly. I saw a glimmer of hope. I persisted. Slowly but surely, octave by octave, the scream, though present, began to disappear. I started sweating less. The cute airhostees was beginning to materialize in my mind again. I smiled.

The baby saw this smile. It had come close to finishing me off, but missed. It had a new found look of respect for me. As a mark of this respect, it sportingly reached up pulled my hair, kicked me the ribs and went back to sleep.

Battered, worn, embarrassed, hurt, I finally shut my eyes.

Prologue:

The flight has landed. The mother got out in front of me, with the baby sleeping over her shoulder. Just as we disembark from the flight, the baby wakes up and demonstrates to me how it can close four of its fingers of one hand. I smile. I had a small victory of my own. When it was sleeping, the mom asked me to fill in the disembarkation form for the baby. I asked her if the baby was a boy or a girl. “Girl”, she said.

I ticked boy.

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Curdrice Favorites

There are dark times. Times when everything around you scares the daylights out of you. Times when you question your own existence on this purposeless planet.  Dark, desolate and depressing times indeed.

Times when you can’t get a post out of you on your blog even if your life depended on it.

And then, someone like good ‘ol Jam throws your a line and saves you from sinking into the depths of blogging ignominy. Thanks for the tag. I’m back.

Four Favorite Things

I’m making this a real quickie. I’m pretty sure no one reads this anyway, so expect some quirky stuff.

Four places that I have lived in

Chennai, Dubai, abject poverty, style

Four TV Shows I love(d) to watch

Frasier, Seinfeld, Everybody loves Raymond, Swat Kats

Four places I have been on vacation

Sikkim, Carrefour Hypermarket, Facebook, J. Talaiya (North)

Four favorite food items

Maggi, Humble pie, Bheja Fry 65, Curdrice

Four Websites I visit daily

This, that, this one and that one

Four places I’d rather be

The 1960’s, within 3 cms of Catherine Zeta Jones, unborn, in a sitcom

Four things I hope to do before I die

Pee, make a phone call, watch all seasons of the Simpsons, escape

Four novels I wish I was reading for the first time

Four movies I can watch over and over again

My sis’ tribute to my mom, Kiran’s 3 day old twins’ video, our Brandmaps video, Lion King

Four people I want to tag

The phat guy in the corner, the lady with her head in the clouds, Yes! She lives among us, How did she find my blog, and She’d need a knight in shining armor to complete her story

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then indeeed, love would be so pure.

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Part 2

I haven’t been on an adventure in ages. People these days tend to get cooped up inside their houses or get piss-drunk in bars, and the great outdoors usually gets relegated to the great ignored outdoors.

So when I asked Chandu to suggest a place to go to and he suggested Kanheri caves, I jumped at the opportunity. I had read about Kanheri caves from another blog (1) . The post was as surprising as it was inspiring. I had never heard of Buddhist caves inside Mumbai’s city limits. The possibility of exploring something that was an auto-rickshaw distance away was thrilling. I guess in some corner of heart I still have a little bit of Jupiter Jones. (A shout-out for anyone who gets that one)

I think we managed to do everything differently from the blog I mentioned earlier. We arrived at Sanjay Gandhi National Park at 8:30 a.m. and managed to find a restaurant opposite the gate that served us some yummy Missal Pav, Idlis and super sugary cutting chais that weren’t as cut out as we’d expected them to be. I was happy to have my missal and cutting chai as these were two things in my Must-do-in-Mumbai list. If you’re wondering whether all the other items were foods, you’re bang on the money.

Slobs that we were, instead of taking the 5 km trek to the caves, we waited for a bus to pick us up. There was one everyone hour starting 9:00 a.m. Something that looked like it had been a contraption used to transport prisoners not too long ago pulled up near the gate and we herded ourselves in. The ride down was pretty bumpy, but as I had mentioned earlier, I was in love with the all the colors.

We were dropped a little ahead of the caves and we had to hike it up for a kilometer or so. Carrying water and grapes for the trip is a great idea. Water for you, grapes for the monkeys. While you hike up, you’ll see plenty of monkeys, who will walk over pick grapes from your hand as if they were expecting it.

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Other than the monkeys, the rest of the walk should leave you breathless, especially if you are the types who would prefer a missal pav early in the morning to a nice walk in the woods. Our party did their best to huff and puff as much as they could; myself included.

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Other than the 4 of them, there was also a dog who faithfully escorted us all the way to the top. I tried to remind everyone of how a Dog Walker had accompanied Yudhishtira up the mountain in the Season Finale of the Mahabharata (5) . I tried to tell remind everyone in that episode at the end of the climb Dog Walker transforms into Yama and with  very heavy breathing (long walk up) says “Dude, I’m you’re father”. Star Wars picked it up much, much later. Also in the episode, all the people walking with Dharmaraj fell down and died during the climb. I started to tell my gang that I was the noble guy and I would survive, meaning that all of them would fall down and die, but luckily I realized that the dog analogy would blow in my face. I limited myself to grunts and huffs.

The sight to behold when we reached there was amazing.A big thanks to Anish for this panoramic stitch. Click the pic below for a better view.

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The cave above is the first cave that one sees as soon as one finished the journey up. This one is labelled Cave #1 and there is one just beside it labeled Cave #2. Naturally I thought that this would help the monks of yore know where they had to go when they had to. What we didn’t realize till much, much later was that there are 109 caves cut beautifully into the rocks. I say beautifully because the precision and simplicity of the cuts are perfectly counter-balanced by the detailing of the sculptures and the aura of the place.

The word Kanheri apparently comes from the words for black in color. I guess the person who had named it had just discovered the meaning of the phrase “Gotcha!” because there was nothing really black about what we saw.

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In the foreground above, you can see a Vihara (2) which indicates that the monks used to pray here. In the background, one can get an idea of the beauty of the place, as you have sculptures carved all over the wall. Like I said, simplicity juxtaposed with detailing. The caves date back to 1st century BC to 9th century AD. In hindsight, it was nice to be walking in something that was being used in the same era as Christ. (Did I get that right?)

The #2 cave reminded me of Hamunaptura. If you remember the scene from The Mummy where they discover the lost city for the first time, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Check this out.

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After a while, Chandu and I went trekking a bit higher and it was then we saw how big the place actually was. William Wordsworth would have done a Ctrl-H on his poem, replacing Daffodils with Buddhist caves if he had seen the sight. Too bad I don’t have a picture to show you. But do not despair, I have put together a nice slideshow for you. I have been waiting for a long time to test out the slide show capability of WordPress. Even though it is 3rd party, if WordPress recommends something(6), you’d know it was good.  Please do let me know what you think.

It was 1:00 in the afternoon and time to bid adieu to Kanheri. We had some lovely nungu (3) from a nice lady at the bottom of the climb down. This was one item I had forgotten to add in my list before. The punjabi girl in our group had never seen this before much less eaten it. If you’re eating/slurping/drinking nungu for the first time, the experience can be a little disturbing. After you’re done peeling, the gooey fruit core reminds you of everything you don’t want to be reminded of. Put once the white jell-o touches your mouth, you’re hooked. It is probably the best fruit to munch down in the summer. The punjju took it like .. well .. as a punjiu takes to nungu (henceforth).

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Cheers from Kanheri

(1) The post that inspired: Ms. N’s blog on Kanheri Caves

(2) Kanheri Wiki : Where I picked up the word vihara

(3) Nungu Wiki : This site is a bit technical but you could read The Hindu’s ways to eat nungu

(4) Karsub’s full list of What-to-do-when-in-Mumbai

(5) It’s not about the hike : The Mahabharatha episode being referred to

(6) Slideshows recommended by WordPress : I tried and liked Slide

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The Ethical Employer

The night was stormy. The sewers were overflowing. The cars schreeched past each other, the sprays their tires created painted transient pictures in the darkness that melted away into glominess.

But Vik swerved not. With a determined stride, a dedicated gaze and dependable GPS, he located his destination. Spiryt Towers. He walked in, a little miffed that his Prada was all wet. He strode into the elevator, punched the key to the 44th floor, and stared at the roof of the ceiling willing to go faster.

44

The door slid open and he walked in while taking in the room. In the center of the room was a long oval conference table. All the lights were out. One was on. At the head of the table. Vick walked towards it. Under the light, was a chair and on that chair was a man. Or rather, a sad excuse for a man. He was pale, sickly but had a good suit and tie. He looked ready.

Vick put a hand under his shoulder. “It’s time”.

Bets got up slowly. The routine was not new to him. Vick looked like he’d been through hell and yet he kept coming back. Vick was manouvering him towards the lift. They got in. Vick sucked in some air and pressed ‘Ground’. Bets sucked in some air – he needed as much as he could get.

43, 35, 22. Clang. The lift came to grinding halt.

Vick swore under his breath.

Bets’ dull eyes lit up.

“Let’s play a game”, he wrinkled face spoke managing a smile. Vick was all ears.

Bets coughed and began,

“Not so long, long ago, there was a manager called Vincent. Vincent was not a riser but had come to his company with a post-graduate degree. His company decided to let him manage a subsidiary on the shores of a far-away land.

Now when he took charge, there was a vacancy for a person for logistics. It was with great difficulty that they managed to find and recruit someone for this post. Unfortunately, this logistics man left within one year, even before he was confirmed, to join another company. The new company was offering him double the salary, something Vincent’s organization could not match.  After a lot of hunting, they managed to locate another person – Raul. He was recommended by the company’s shipping agent. He had a bike license and was prepared to work for a nominal salary. Unfortunately, he was only a 10th pass; unfortunately – as it was the company’s policy to hire graduates. But, Vincent put in a word to management, Raul was interviewed and he was selected.

A week later, he was asked to produce his 10th certificates. He said he would have to get it faxed in from his homeland. It would take some time. Vincent was beginning to lose patience. One day, Raul was conveyed that he had to produce the certificate by the end of the day. He did. But Vincent and his team, could soon make out that it was forged. Upon some questioning, Raul admitted to it. His name wasn’t Raul either. It was Ritchie. He had two passports in two different names which he said he had gotten done to avoid a work ban when he had shifted between two earlier companies.

It was a question of work ethics.

Vincent asked Ritchie whether he thought he could get away with making a mockery of the integrity of his corporate team.

Ritchie sulked away. Later he came into Vincent’s office. Ritchie-aya uvacha – “My dad passed away when I was 16. He worked in this country. I was in 10th then and there was no one to support my family. I had to take his place, but at 16 I would not be given a Visa here. So I made a passport with a fake date of birth and I came here. I worked in the company for 10 years. Then, I got a better offer from another company. If I quit my job, my employer would enforce a 6 month ban, and I would not be able to take the new offer, or any offer for that matter. I went back home and made another passport in another name. I came back and took my new job. I worked there for 2 years. No one had asked me for my certificates. Then I came to this company and when your people asked me, I panicked as I didn’t have a certificate for 10th. So my people made a certificate on top of my brother’s certificate. I’m married now and I have a 2 year old daughter. If your company kicks me out, I have nowhere to go and nothing to do to support my family. Please help me.”

Vincent thought-aya uvacha, “If we fire him, which we can as per the clause in his employment contract, then we lose a useful guy who has a bike license and who knows to pull all the strings around here.If we lose him, we are under pressure to find an equivalent replacement for the next 2-3 months. We may or may not ever find him. Hmmm”

Bets turned his now glimmering eyes to Vick. “So Vick, what should Vincent have done? But remember, if you speak now, I shall return back and we shall meet again some other day. If you speak and you are wrong, there’s a pink slip in my upper left pocket with your name on it. If you stay quiet, we go to ground zero.”

“What will it be, Vick, what will it be?”

Vick adjusted his tie. He ran his fingers through his tussled hair. He glanced up and then down. Slowly, he reached for his breast-pocket. Bets smiled. Vick drew out a cigar, lit it, took a deep puff and began. Vick-aya uvacha, “As a famous web-developer once said “We always have choices .. it’s the choices that make us who we are”. Raul / Ritchie chose what he wanted to say on his resume and what he wanted to say in his interview. He chose to not t tell them about his dad, his wife and child. Instead, he told them that he was a 10th pass. And that choice has come back to haunt him. It is one that he will have to face.

As far as corporate ethics are concerned, Vincent, as a head of the company should not show any hesitation in dismissing Ritchie. The decision would not only reflect the company’s ethical beliefs, but Vincent’s personal ethics as well. Also, it is illegal to do what Ritchie has done. If everyone subverted the law for their benefit, the law would no longer be required to guide us. Therefore, no-brainer – Sack.”

Bets smiled.

44.

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Time has come mon fe Apache,

fe fine wun gal an to get marry

Ba lisen wemme taulk,tell everybudy,

me won arrange marriage a fammi mum an dadee

prophetic words of Apache Indian – Arranged Marriage

Well the time had come for me to jump on the decked horse and go bride-hunting in India. Out of pity for my would-be bride, I thought I shouldn’t throw my weight around very much. I decided I would invoke the special powers of the GM Diet programme which should get me back into my target BMI range.

The History:-

From what I remember, the GM Diet is one of the many diet programmes available on the internet and in books. This diet was supposedly started for General Motor employees, when the employers noticed the the sagging levels of sag in their employees. After much scientific analysis, they came up with a programme which satisifed 3 key factors, which to my mind are the key advantages:-

– It does not require you to starve. Quite to the contrary, the diet asks you to eat as much as you can. Really.

– It does not fix you into a boring routine of eating the same thing everyday. It has different dishes on different days and that makes it more interesting. Especially when you are doing it the first time.

– Weight loss is guaranteed if one sticks to the plan.

Sounds too good. What’s the catch? There are 2 of them

– The famous GM Diet headache – This will happen to anyone when they drastically cut down on their eating. But on the GM diet, you can almost expect it to come and hit you on the 2nd day. It isn’t a migran-ish headache that will debilitate you, but it can sure make even thinking about something pretty difficult.

– Weight gain after the 7th day – Once you break the diet programme and start eating normally, your weight goes back to normal. But naturally.

All said and done, the GM diet is the perfect plan, if you are planning to meet someone for the first time or after a long time, or if you are heading for a reunion party, a honeymoon, etc.

I started the GM diet on a Friday morning. Friday is my first weekend. In other parts of the world, I feel you should start on a Saturday. “Why?”. It’s a long story. Trust me.

I am referencing Google’s #1 site on GM diet – http://www.iimahd.ernet.in/~jajoo/gmdiet.html. All references to his site have been indented.

Rules:-

– Follow the day’s instructions strictly. Don’t follow, don’t complain.

– Drink 10 glasses of water each day. Drink 10 glasses of water each day. Drink 10 glasses of water each day.

– No alcohol for the first seven days. After the first seven days,

it is suggested that you are allowed two glasses of white wine in addition to the instructions on the program. You may substitute champagne for white wine. Under no circumstances are you to drink any other alcoholic beverages with the exception of beer which is allowed. Any liquor (bourbon,vodka, rum) is forbidden. Cream drinks are especially forbidden. You may have an occasional cordial such as creme de menthe or schnapps, but you must always limit yourself to two drinks. If you wine, drink only wine that day. If you have beer, drink only beer that day, etc. Alcohol adds empty calories to your diet. However, after the first week it will help your digestion and settle your stomach.

– The only beverages / drinks you are allowed other than water are :-

  • Water (flavoured with lemon/lime if desired).
  • Club Soda is OK.
  • Black Coffee. No cream or cream substitute. No sugar or sweetness.
  • Black Tea = Herb or Leaf.
  • Absolutely nothing else except the fruit juices which are part of day seven. No fruit juices before day seven.

Notes:-

GM’s Wonder Soup

The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup. This soup can be eaten in unlimited quantities. This soup is a supplement while you are on the program and it should be a pleasure to eat.

28 oz (800ml) Water, 6 large onions, 2 green peppers (capsicums), whole tomatoes (fresh or canned), 1 head Cabbage, 1 bunch celery, 4 envelopes lipton (/maggi / knorr) onion soup mix , Herbs and Flavouring as desired.

Not everyone likes cabbage, green peppers, celery etc. This recipe is not inflexible. You may substitute vegetables according to your taste. You may add any vegetables you like: asparagus, peas, corn, turnips, green beans, cauliflower, etc. Try to stay away from beans (lima, pinto, kidney, etc.), however, because they tend to be high in calories even though they are very good for you.

– For consuming the vegetables, you can use a dressing. But

no dressing except malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs. No more than one tea spoon of oil.

– I feel you should prep your body for this diet programme. It won’t hurt and if anything it will do you a world of good.

1. Change your drinking habits to drinking black coffee with 2 spoons of sugar and keep reducing. For a week this might be tough, but soon you will begin to enjoy the taste of pure coffee.

2. Instead of having a heavy dinner, start having a soup for dinner. It is always helpful to eat a very light dinner.

3. Whenever you have a hunger attack or a craving, have a long sip from the bottle of pure orange juice in the fridge, or have a handful of peanuts.

While these are good dieting suggestions by themselves, this will also prepare you for the GM diet style of eating, and thus make the week breeze by.

The Diet and My Experiences :-

Day One

Weight at 8 a.m. after a potty – 88 kilos

All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

You are preparing your system for the upcoming programme. Your only source of nutrition is fresh or canned fruits. Fruits are nature’s perfect food. They provide everything you could possibly want to sustain life except total balance and variety.

What did I eat?

Late Breakfast :- A quarter of a musk melon.

Late Lunch :- Quarter musk melon, 200gms green grapes, 100gm of pear.

Dinner :- Nothing

Day Two

Weight at 8 a.m. – 86.5 kilos

All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

The day starts with a fix of complex carbo-hydrates coupled with an oil dose. This is taken in the morning for energy and balance. The rest of day two consists of vegetables which are virtually calorie free and provide essential nutrients and fibre.

What did I eat?

Late Breakfast :-  280 g boiled potato, one spoon butter and quarter tea spoon salt.

Lunch – 1 onion, 1 tomato, 2 cucumbers and half a carrot with some italian off-the-shelf dressing and some salt

Dinner – 2 handfuls of peanuts – I needed the fiber for some other problem.

Day Three

Weight at 8 a.m. – 84.5 kilos

A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

This day eliminates the potato because you get your carbohydrates from the fruits. You system is now prepared to start burning excess pounds. You will still have cravings which should start to diminish by day four.

What did I eat?

Breakfast – one pear and one glass black coffee

Lunch – a Quarter of a musk melon, 200 gm grapes and one cucumber

Dinner – 250 gm Carrots

Day Four

Weight at 8 a.m. – 85.5 kilos

Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

Bananas, milk and soup sound the strangest and least desirable. You’re in for a surprise. You probably will not eat all the bananas allowed. But they are there for the potassium you have lost and the sodium you may have missed the past three days. You will notice a definite loss of desire for sweets. You will be surprised how easy this day will go.

What did I eat?

Breakfast – 2 bananas and 2 glasses of milk

Lunch – 2 bananas and 2 glasses of milk

Supper – 2 bananas and 1 glass of milk, 1 date milk (200 ml)

Dinner – 1 bananas and 2 glasses of milk

Day Five

Weight at 8 a.m. – 84.5 kilos

Non-veggie: – Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. (2*280g) portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes.

Veggie:- Today is feast day. You will eat paneer and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. (2*280g) portions of paneer. Combine this with six whole tomatoes.

Must drink 10 glasses of water + one quart (900 ml) water extra. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.

What’s happening?

The beef / paneer is for iron and proteins, the tomatoes are for digestion and fibre. Lots and lots of water purifies your system. You should notice colourless urine today. Your allowance calls for the equivalent of five “quarter ponders”. Do not feel you have to eat all this beef / paneer. You must eat the six tomatoes.

What did I eat?

Breakfast – 250 g paneer (cubed and fried in half a spoon of oil), tomatoes (raw, diced), tomato ketchup, some salt and masala

Lunch – 100 g paneer (cubed and fried in half a spoon of oil), tomatoes (raw, diced), tomato ketchup, some salt and masala

Dinner – Tomatoes, buttermilk

I managed to  eat only about 4 tomatoes. Since I was eating them raw, I reached a point where I would puke if I ate another piece.

Day Six

Weight at 8 a.m. – 84 kilos

Beef / paneer and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

The day is similar to day five, Iron and proteins from beef, Vitamins and fibre from vegetables. By now your system is in a total weight loss inclination. There should be a noticeable difference in the way you look today, compared to day one.

What did I eat?

Breakfast –  1 carrot and 1 cucumber. Some salt and dressing.

Lunch -150 gm paneer cubes, fried in one table spoon olive oil. 2 carrots with some dressing.

Dinner -2 cucumbers and 1 carrot

Day Seven

Weight at 8 a.m. – 83.5 kilos

Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.

Must drink 10 glasses of water

What’s happening?

Finishing off the program like a good cigar used to finish off Victorian meals, except much healthier. You have your system under control and it should thank you for the flushing and cleaning you just gave it.

What did I eat?

I love this day

Breakfast – 200 ml pure apple juice, 200 ml pure orange juice

Lunch – 200 ml pure strawberry juice, 200 ml pure apple juice, 200 ml orange juice

Dinner – 200 ml pure apple juice, 200 ml mango juice

Day Eight

Weight at 8 a.m. – 83 kilos

I managed to lose 5 kilos (11 pounds) in one week. Incidentally, I had flight to India on the 8th day. I looked lighter and felt more confident.

And I got the girl 🙂

All the best to you.

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