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Archive for March, 2009

Snapshot Poll

Friends, Subscribers and Serendipitous Blog Readers,

Lend me your precious time. I write here not to add a new post, but to create a poll.

The evil that is found in my blog usually linger in your minds.

The good that I do is oft inferred with your comments

So let it be with this blog as well.

– A very WordPressy Antony, from Julius Caesar (original script here)

I would like to hover your mouse over the words “original script here” in the previous line. In a few seconds, you can see a preview of the site it is linking to. This is generated by Snapshots, a package that comes along with WordPress.com. I have a feeling that it might be annoying to some.But then again, I feel some people may actually like the feature. As a blog writer, this is of no use to me, but it would help for me to know what the people who read my blog think about it.

In the words of AB Jr, I thought “Junta se pooch lete hain

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Restroom Tactics

There are some things that a human-being learns intuitively. How to walk, how to smile, how to form spitballs that land plop in the middle of the bald guy’s head, how to drink Coke in the most annoying way possible and how to always blame someone else when anything goes wrong.

There aren’t any instruction manuals for any of the above mentioned things. A lot of things in life can come quite naturally as a follow-through of Darwin’s Theory. For example, it isn’t hard to imagine that when the caveman screamed that his wife was pregnant and that he wasn’t the father, his neighbor screamed “Grunt .. gkly rfooot” which would be later deciphered by historians to mean “Ummm.. Wasn’t me?”.

But ponder, if you will, on those who for some reason or the other, do not manage to … “intuit”. Imagine how his life would be – when he came home and his wife told him that she had a headache, he would actually believe her! I feel that such people live as ignorantly a life as bee stuck in the lowest branch of a tree in the Amazon forest. I wish to rectify that. And that mission starts with this post.

How many times have we (men) walked into a restroom to relieve ourselves and found in front of us a complicated problem. 5 urinal booths and an arbitrary scattering of people using them. On any normal day, we would have relished solving the puzzle. We would have chewed on our pencil a bit, done a Google search, called up a few friends, talked about it and arrived at a sane, logical conclusion.

Unfortunately, it is time for my punch dialogue –

“When yenny won calls, you can yignoru da,

But nature calling-na, appo you wonly answer da”

Well, this post is my humble effort to take you through the most common situations that one is confronted with when entering the men’s room. The only assumption is that when you enter, you want to go.

Situation 1: Lone Ranger

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When you see a lone ranger standing, the perfect stall is always at his opposite end.

Opposite end of the line of the stall that is.

In this case, that would be Stall 1

Situation 2: Wrong Number

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A guy doing #1 in #2, just doesn’t seem right. When ever you see him, ask yourself, WWTGGD – What would the gay guy do?

Then choose the stall that is farthest from the answer. In this case, you would go to Stall 5.

Situation 3: Open House

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Of all the scenarios and decisions, I have good-se-good people, toilet veterans even, falter when they see the dreaded Open House. Though very innocuous, the myriad combination of possibilities is mind-boggling. With all the body and brain working at maximum efficiency on bladder control, it is veritably impossible to assemble troops in the end to ponder on this problem. Medics have rushed to find men paralyzed. In their report, they would mention cryptically scribble OH in the corner.

Have no fear, the answer is quite simple. The magic rule to remember is “Go to the end of the house”.

Ideally, 1 and 5 are better. But since people usually walk-in and pick the stall closest to them, you should pick the one furthest from the entrance. If the entrance was near 1, then you should pick 5.

Situation 4: The Twin Showers

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This one is the most easy. When you are accosted by the Twin Showers, bisect. Stall number 3 has got your name written all over it.

Situation 5: The Confunder

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When the going gets tough, the tough pees in its pants. Now the situation is a little more tricky. It easy to see what happened here. Mr. 5 came and saw an Open House and took the 5th stall (D-uh!). He assumed that when someone else walked in, they would see the Lone Ranger and walk to Stall 1. But he had not anticipated this guy, who decided to break the monotony of the natural order of things and stand in Stall 2. When you walked in, you found him – the Confounder, daring you with his backside to pick the right stall.

The answer is Stall 1. The guy at Stall 2 may be The Confounder but you can be sure that he is no Superman. As the old saying goes, it never rains forever. He will have to make a move sooner or later, and when he does, the Twin Showers balance would be restored.

Situation 6: W2O1

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We-Two-Ours-One pattern is most common in cinema theatre restrooms. It follows no order and works on the principles of random distribution. When you see this situation, sing this song in your head

“We-Two-Ours-One// go to the daughter or the son.”

Stall 5 is where you shall see a man about a dog.

Situation 7: Rock On

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I’m sure you can figure out why it’s called Rock On formation. When you do it in your right hand, you will see why. Going with the hand, you must ask yourself, other than this hand symbol, what other hand/finger symbol, would you be most likely yo receive from someone coming out a rock concert.

Correct answer. Please proceed to Stall 3.

Situation 8: Penalty Shoot-Out

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Simply go and take your place. 5 is not a bad spot, as there is a 25% probability that 4 will leave and you can play aqua sports in peace.

Situation 9: The Missing Tooth

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When you see the missing tooth, your options are very very simple

a. Think of nice beautiful place that has no waterfalls, fountains, springs, etc. Keep that picture in your head for a while.

b. Find a fire-alarm switch and hit it.

c. Check the ladies’ room

Think about it:-

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

Related Reading:-

Toilet Vs. Bathroom

The Art of War

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Abra forever

This post has nothing to do with any item of clothing. Go back here for what you were searching for.

“Two roads diverged in the woods and I,
I took the one with the lesser toll, and that has made all the difference.”

I have been in the UAE for more than a year now. Yet I have never ventured to the famous Dubai Creek. It brings back a lot of childhood memories. Memories that have faded now, but stuff that comes back sometimes. The Dubai Creek is a passage of water of that divides two very important parts of Dubai – Deira and Bur Dubai. While one can use many of the motor bridges and tunnel to cross this passage of water, there is one way one way which brings back too many memories. That way is the Abra.

The Abra is a small motorized ferry service to cross the creek. Made of rickety wood, it has been in service ever since people can remember. There are many of them that pile up on either side to make the short journey from one side of the river to the other. All kinds of people pile up on the Abra. Men, women, children, Pakistanis, Indian, Americans, Europeans. Everyone is equal on the Abra for the short 5 minute journey. Everyone is one dirham. What a wonderful world that is.

I usually try to make it to the temple in Bur Dubai on the weekends. This weekend I parked on the Deira side. I was afraid to ask where the Abra taxi point was, as this was as common knowledge as knowing which country you were in. I mustered up some courage and asked a super-polite Bangladeshi who pointed me in the right direction.

When I reached there, I asked a Filipino lady if I had to get a ticket. She raised an eyebrow, then smiled when she realized I was genuinely asking and smiled when she told me “Everyone pay one dirham, go past!”

Just when I made it to the taxi point, a boat pulled up. The tamil guy driving it jumped out as it bumped its way along the quay to come to a halt. He whistled and everyone ran. Not like for a Mumbai train, no! Everyone ran in a line. I prayed I would get the seat in front. I intended to click away to glory. I was lucky. The guy walked around and collected his

As we made away across the beautiful, glimmering waters it struck me that I was the making a journey made by another man roughly my age some years ago. I choked on the thoughts, but a boat passed us, and the people waved and took our photos as we returned the favor. The sun was setting fast and the long fingers of sunlight caressed the water as our boat patiently cut across. All around boats were going up and down.

I reached the other side and found that the Abra taxi point on the Bur Dubai was very close to the temple. It actually dropped one of right in the middle of a renovated souq area.

I was expecting the journey back to be even more breath-taking. I wasn’t disappointed, not in the least. The sun had left for the day, and the moon was out on patrol. While I couldn’t have the pleasure of a full moon, there was still enough of it to lighten things up. As we made our way back, lots and lots of gulls flew past our boat, forgetting that we were there, and changing their flight paths only at the last second. As the light completely withdrew, formation after formation of gulls made their way across the sky.

The lights were on all over. The big boats that were looking so dull when I had arrived, had now lit up with colorful lights. They offered Dhow cruises – a night dinner for people, while driving gently along the Creek.

You can see more pics of the trip at my photoblog.

As I reached my car, I realized that the trip has been wonderful for one important reason. In 2 hours, I had traveled my land, sea and air. I drove my car, rode the Abra and my heart soared.

When I came back home, I searched for the one pic of that guy who had made his way down the creek years ago.

~ From ~

Somebody Sr.

~ To ~

Somebody Jr.

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