Archive for August, 2008

Arranged Actually


Read the above as verb. And do it as much as you can and as soon as you can. When it’s a choice between the hemlock of love and the Chinese torture of the arranged, believe me, you have no idea what the Chinese are capable of.

Consider the following recipe for a love marriage:-

Boy like girl + Girl likes boy + Who the heck cares about whoever else thinks what = Wedding Bells

And now, the arranged marriage version of the above equation:-

Step 1:- Prelims

Check age, gothram, caste, subcaste, language, height, interests, pictures, color of fingernails, degree of angle of smile, number of teeth etc.

Step 2:-I C U

Write to parents and let them know that their child has passed your prelims

Step 3:- Count Sheep

Wait for their parents to finish counting your teeth and get back to you

Step 4:- Baby Geniuses

Kids start chatting, texting, video chatting, AV chatting

Step 5:- Muchadds Conference

Parents talk and comment on all the gossip that they have heard from their kids.

“You know my son told me that your daughter was told by you that he would like to tell her …”

Step 6:- In the Ring

The game is like this. Boy and girl meet with an invisible timer that counts down from 600 seconds. The aim of the game is for both boy and girl to scream “Yes” at the end of the 600 seconds. If they can’t they still have to say “Yes” and make the other person realize that they meant no. Whichever way you look at it, there are no winners.

Step 7:- Biggies Meet

Strictly grey haired only. Big people meet and discuss about various things which may or may not concern the boy or girl in question at all. For instance, they may talk about the weather, cooking, cities, halls, sari designs, cricket scores etc. in each other’s presence. Once out of earshot, respective parties may start dutifully bitching about the other party.

Step 8:- Bunker Meet

Groups meet at their houses and strategize shortlist, convince, coax, decide, deliberate and do a whole lot of other double assonated things, before everyone emphatically approves.

Step 9:- Cloud #9

If anyone managed to get this far, they sure as hell deserve to get married. They’d deserve a couple of medals also, but that’s beside the point.

In all my sanity, I believe that no one to this day has gone through the 9 steps that have been mentioned above. In all my love for humanity, I also believe that no one should ever go through this ever. If all this wasn’t enough, there are tools and oh man are there tools.

Caste/Subcaste – You can measure hypocrisy in the Indian public by asking them whether they still practice castism. When they say no, if they have a son or daughter of a marriageable age, ask them to look you in the eye and tell you whether they are concerned about what caste they would like their child to marry. When you don’t get your answer, you’ll have your answer.

Gothram – I have to give credit to Indian society for this one. Iyer mythology assumes that all people have descended from 7 rishis. And they recognized that while in-breeding within the Iyers may be a good thing, they did not want the same bloodlines to keep mixing. As a result they created gothras, one for each rishi. The simple rule was you cannot marry someone who was your own gothra, i.e. the equivalent of your sister. Brilliant. Only one problem. Big Problem. After marriage, the wife and the kid take the gothra of the husband. Which means that the kid who ideally has half the gothra of his mom and of his dad, could marry someone else who has the same combo from his mom and dad, and therefore you begin to appreciate why “an exercise in futility” is such a wonderful phrase.

Horoscopes – There is nothing more whackier than a horoscope. Consider it’s principles. Even if you accept the logic, one cannot appreciate the fundamentals.

a. It is formed when one is born – at the precise time of birth

b. It is based on the influence of various planets and heavenly bodies whose radiations fall on you when you come into this world

c. It decides the course of your forever

Taking these arguments backwards

c. If you can’t convince people, give the most absurdest of ideas and they’ll fall for it. I’ll let this one go under this category

b. Radiation? Planets? Moons? – What about TVs, Cellphone, I-Pods, Hospital equipment – don’t they decide what will happen to future of the kid

and a. (the clincher) How do you decide on the exact time of birth? I don’t mean when you open your eyes. I mean, how do you decide when a person is actually born?!

When you get the chance, if you get the chance, don’t blink. Take the Hemlock.

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